I’m not dead yet.
On Tuesday I had a crisis of faith. Not in the religious sense. Just the faith in myself and my ability to be creative.
This is what I posted to Facebook:
‘I’ve been struggling a lot recently. Major impostor syndrome. Inability to focus. Super low energy.
I’ve just become entirely convinced that no one actually likes what I do as a creative. They are just being nice. Realistically I know that is ludicrous but it’s hard to shake. Even though my creativity is the only thing that has been keeping me going these last few years I feel myself pulling away from it and I have even found myself having thoughts of giving up entirely.
I’m not writing this for the pity party. I’m writing it because I need to get it out. I have always worn my heart on my sleeve and this is how I am feeling right now. I’ve already been in tears twice today and I need to start addressing this.
I have also been having some sleep issues which are compounding everything but I have made the first step today towards addressing it.
Just writing this I have felt some of the tension lift. I will get better but it’s so tough sometimes when things are so low.
Thanks for listening.’
A couple of days later I am feeling a little better. The support that poured out on that thread was so helpful. It is apparent that a lot of people like what I do. Technically I already knew this but sometimes my brain won’t let me believe it.
I have sent a personal thank you to everyone that commented or messaged me but I also want to say another thank you here. The positivity really helped. I don’t like to be that person looking for validation but I guess to an extent I am. Being creative and putting work out into the world while not seeking any kind of validation must be rarer than dodo shit!
This morning I had the song ‘Get Better’ by Frank Turner in my head and it inspired me to write, hence the title of this blog. It’s a song that has brought me a great deal of comfort over the years. A big ‘fuck you’ to unhappyness with it’s incredible tag line, ‘Because we’re not dead yet’ (I really should get myself one of those t-shirts).
Tomorrow night I have a wonderful gig at Patch in Colchester and then next weekend I am heading to Sitingbourne for the Oxbowlake weekender which is going to be incredible. I have achieved a huge amount with my music and continue to do so. It’s all about perspective. Mine often gets very skewed.
I don’t write a lot for this blog anymore but at times it feels relevant to update it. This is one of those times.
When I was feeling low, Gemma suggested that I write 5 words a day and share them. I have really enjoyed this exercise so far and it has led my thoughts to other ideas. Here is what I have so far
Day 1
I
Hope
Tomorrow
Is
Better
Day 2
Change
Takes
Time,
I
Know
Day 3
Self
Care
Is
Hard,
Always
I’ll keep this up until I don’t feel like it’s helpful anymore (or until people get annoyed and tell me to stop)
Thanks so much for taking the time to read my ramble.
Cheers,
Dan