Right. Let's talk about Friday night.
'It'll be ok. I know. I've been there. It really will'
Friday was a long day. Here I am at 9am leaving the house. Everything loaded up ready for the gig in the evening.
The gig in question was supporting Samantics at Three Wise Monkeys in Colchester. An opportunity I am incredibly thankful for!
The day before my mental health was in the bin. I was either asleep or on the verge of tears. When I woke up in the morning and had to go to work I knew it was going to be a looooong day.
The work part isn't all that interesting. I went in, it was boring and quiet. I finished.
When it comes to the gig. I was excited but tired. I made my way to Three Wise Monkeys around 6pm. Sam and AJ were halfway through soundcheck and before long I was getting setup. We ended up with plenty of time to get dinner and chill out for a bit which was much needed!
As the venue started to fill up I started to get nervous. That's pretty standard for me. There is also something about the space in TWM that exacerbates this slightly. I haven't fully figured out what it is yet (I suspect it might just be the light and sound becoming overwhelming).
When my set came around I was shocked to start playing to a crowd who were engaged. My music can get pretty quiet at times and when it did the room was silent. As lovely as this is, it can also feel pressured. Like 'Shit, they are actually watching. Now I need to play well!'
A bit before I went onstage I asked AJ if I could use the space upstairs to run through a couple of songs. I found this rather relatable chair.
I get you chair, I get you.
As I progressed through my set I was just as awkward as you would expect. (I really should work on my stage presence)
I'd planned to give the crowd a choice of song halfway through. I asked if they wanted a song about sexual frustration or a song about being socially awkward. Apparently they wanted both! I dropped one of the planned songs in order to stay within my time and I finished on More Human. Before I played the song I spoke about my mental health struggles, touching on the fact that I had been struggling the day before. I got a round of applause for being so open.
More Human is a song that still feels pretty raw for me a lot of the time. I have often found myself somewhat dissociated after playing it.
When I finished there were people in the crowd shouting for one more song. Not something I am used to. Especially as a support artist!
Some time passed and Sam came onstage. The response to his music was incredible and very much warranted. I'd heard some of his stuff on Spotify but his live performance brings it to another level!
Sam is a man who is open about his own mental health struggles and he is all too aware of how important it is to talk about them. At some point throughout his set it must have become apparent that I was struggling because a lady walked up to me and said 'Don't give up. It'll be ok. I know. I've been there. It really will' I'm not 100% sure what my face was doing as I got the impression she felt like I didn't take it well but I said thank you and then spent the next few minutes trying not to burst into tears. I did say thank you and I hope she realises that it was much appreciated, just unexpected!
Later on in the evening I met a gentleman who was very open about his own mental health struggles and was appreciative of what I had said. He talked about how age is a big factor in whether people talk about their issues. He had kept a lot locked up for many years due to a feeling of needing to be stoic. To be a man. Thankfully he finally realised that is bunk and is talking about his issues and getting the help he needs.
The next day I was feeling pretty low as well and it's a feeling that hasn't really fully passed even while I am writing this. Although getting this out is helping a little! It is so so important to talk. I have been open about this with my partner and now I am putting it out into the ether. All of this is helping.
Look after yourselves!
Much love,
Dan
Comments