A couple of months ago it occurred to me that I hadn’t taken my medication in two or three weeks. I’d just got out of the habit, one that I had always struggled to build in the first place.
I've always struggled to tell if the medication is actually doing anything, I’ve tried them all, Sertraline, Citalopram, Fluoxetine, Venlafaxine etc
. I’ve been asked the question ‘Do you feel like it is helping?’ more times than I can remember and my answer is always, ‘I have no idea’.
I felt fine so I convinced myself that I didn't need the medication. I’d been off it for two weeks with no ill effects so that would last forever, right? Right?!?
A couple of weeks later I came up for a medication review and spoke with my doctor. I mentioned that I hadn’t been taking the medication and that the dose I had been on had seemed too much. Partly because quite often I was forgetting to take the evening dose fairly regularly.
We came to an agreement that I would start taking the lower dose again, just in the mornings. Problem is, I didn't do it.
“I’m fine, I don’t need it’, I’d tell myself.
Over the last few months I have become more and more convinced that I have some kind of neurodivergence, most likely ADHD but potentially Autism. Getting this idea in my head hasn’t helped with the thoughts that medication isn’t helping.
‘Well it must be the neurodivergence that is causing my struggles, not anxiety and depression’
Failing to recognise that anxiety and depression are often symptoms for people with a neurodivergent brain.
I had a referral for ADHD from the doctor. The forms they sent me were incredibly stress inducing and it took me around a month to get them done. In the end I rushed through them and didn't get anyone else to take a look before I sent them back. Weeks later I received a call from the doctor to tell me that they weren’t going to take it forward. This felt like a huge knock. I was convinced this would hold the answers to why I struggle so much.
I pushed back, I wasn’t willing to accept this. I got another referral. This time to the team at Eput. I have spoken to them a few times now and some things are still being looked into so we will see where that goes.
Through the calls with them I had quite a bit of push to get back on medication, or at least speak to the doctor about it. Both of which were causing me a lot of stress. (I got pretty damn worked up over it, this isn’t entirely unusual for me. I am a massive overthinker after all)
I resisted for a bit but I could feel myself becoming disconnected.
This all came to a head over the weekend, a busy weekend anyway with gigs but one that has been exacerbated by my mind. This morning I took my medication again, telling my partner, through tear filled eyes ‘I don’t want to feel like this anymore’
The last few days I have felt on the edge of falling apart. My emotions all over the place. Often on the edge of tears. Unable to concentrate for any extended period of time. Walking around in a haze. I can’t live my life like this, my mental state will only get worse for it. I need to do something to try and feel better.
Whether the medication will actually do anything or if it is just a matter of taking some control, I don’t think I’ll really ever know. But, in the short term it’s definitely the feeling of taking control. As I write this my mind is whirring something chronic but I’m concentrating enough to be able to get these words out that feel important.
I write this blog in the hopes that others may be able to take something from it but ultimately it is a great tool for helping me process emotions.
I now have a reminder set on my phone for every morning at 8am which will say ‘Take your fucking medication’