The Wrath of Self Deprecation – Is ‘Blog’ a dirty word?

I’m proud of what I have created here, but I know it sucks!

OK..no, it doesn’t. Just because someone may not like it that doesn’t make it bad.

I have always been very self-deprecating, sometimes even telling myself it is endearing (Spoiler: It’s not!) I have come to the realisation that I have been using this as a defense mechanism for most of my life.

I enjoy the feeling of being proud of something I have created but always have the overwhelming urge to downplay it.

When I was in Junior school I loved to sing. I certainly wasn’t a child star but I enjoyed it. There is a wonderful home video of me singing a Christmas song. I can’t remember what the song was called but it was about Christmas decorations waiting to go on the tree. I look as happy as a pig in shit in that video.

When I was a bit older, I joined the school choir. Again, I loved it. We accompanied various plays including one about the Yanomami people of Brazil and a stage version of The Little Mermaid.

I cant recall exactly what we were practicing but one of the girls in the choir decided she didn’t like my voice and decided to turn around and tell me so. My memory is a bit Fuzzy but she said something along the lines of “You sound awful, you can’t sing” I immediately felt self-conscious and began singing at a whisper.

I don’t remember having as much interest in the choir after that. While I would sing at home sometimes (or with headphone on while my mum was driving, sorry mum!) I wouldn’t sing publicly for a long time.

It wasn’t really until I joined a band that I started to sing again properly. That was in my early twenties. I’ve never had any training as such, there was no 1-2-1 in the choir. As such everything I’ve done has just been making it up as I go along. My singing in The Moth Patrol was inconsistent to say the least. I’d have gigs where everything went right and then others where it would all fall apart. I was never confident in my voice. We would often finish a song and the first thing out of my mouth would be “Well that sucked”. Not the best way to win over the audience!

I have a naturally low voice and I never really pushed myself either, so I often sounded largely monotone. My friend Paul would always say that I needed to push myself more, but I was convinced it wasn’t possible.

After The Moth Patrol broke up I was in bands but I didn’t sing. I would record the odd cover but I was always looking for songs that fit with my low voice or ones that I could sing an octave lower. I think Love Will Tear Us Apart by Joy Division was the first song I ever truly felt comfortable singing.

Its only really in the last few months that I have started to get a bit more comfortable with my voice and have been able to expand my capabilities. Largely from attempting to emulate my heroes and trying not to cringe too much, using an analytical ear rather than a judging one.

I still have a way to go but I’m happy with the progress I have made, and I am starting to get to the point where I actually like my voice, sometimes anyway! Haha.

It amazes me that an off the cuff comment a girl in a school choir made could have such a huge impact on a large part of my life. Not just my singing but pretty much anything I create. I am even reticent to call myself an Artist.

I’m glad I have finally made this link in my brain and I will now actively try harder to not put myself down. Don’t expect me to be releasing a song with the caption “Check this out, it is the best thing you will ever hear!” but I will try to put stuff out without playing it down.

This isn’t to say that I have been playing down everything I have put out recently. Life isn’t entirely black and white. I think perhaps I had made this realisation subconsciously a while back, but my conscious brain has only just caught up. Sounds about right! I do have a habit of being late for things!

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A quick side note to this story, I had a thought earlier. Is ‘Blog’ a dirty word? What I mean by this is that my interactions where I mention I write a blog are generally met with Indifference or slight judgement. Almost as if the subject needs to be changed ASAP.

Is it just that Blog is an uncool word? Or is the act of blogging in general a bit sad?

Feel free to start a conversation in the comments. I’m guessing it might be a little biased as anyone reading this probably has at least some interest in blogging.

Much love, Dan