Suicidal Thoughts and Self Harm

Nick from The Mouth of Manliness Podcast made a post the other day that got me thinking.

There have been times when I felt like there was no option but to end my life. Its not that I wanted to do it and I never made any plans but it was still looming large.

Suicide is a taboo subject. It shouldn't be. Partly because people who have these thoughts and have intention of going through with it can be helped, but also because it is perfectly normal to have these thoughts even if there is a small flame keeping you going. It is not black and white.

My personal experiences with this are difficult to talk about. I can feel myself welling up as I type. I hate that I got low enough to consider it an option....

Depression is a bitch, it can make the simplest task feel impossible. I have spent a lot of this year in a state of semi consciousness, wake up, lay on the sofa, eat, lay on the sofa, eat, go to bed. Rinse and repeat. The longer this goes on the worse it gets, even if it does lift for a bit it still sits at the back of your mind. You may go through three days of doing nothing, a couple feeling slightly better, then back to nothing. The depression and feelings of worthlessness don't leave. They eat away at your soul. It's no wonder that thoughts of suicide can start to creep in, it would be a way to stop the pain. A terrible way, but it would work.

If you don't understand depression or just think it is when you feel a little bit sad then please read this, I have experienced all of these symptoms: https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/clinical-depression/symptoms/

I've had a lot of help through Health in Mind over the last few months and I have regularly had to fill in questionnaires relating to various aspects of my mental health, one being suicide. Over a fairly short period my answers to these questions caused some concerns and they regularly asked if if I was a risk to myself or others. Never to the point that they had to call in emergency help but not far off. At the time I felt like everything was pointless. A couple of times I tried self harm through cutting. It didn't help. I can understand why some people do this though. You certainly feel it when you cut yourself with a knife. For a moment it is something other than utter despair.

Its just not for me.

I have always been scared of death and when the thought of suicide came to mind it was no different. The thoughts and feelings persist despite the fear. I found myself thinking about how I would do it. The only thing that felt even remotely possible was driving my car as fast as possible into a large concrete block. I would need to find somewhere with a good run up and something out of the way. I wouldn't want it to have an impact on others. Now I think about it though its certainly not a guaranteed death.

The thought of failure is somehow worse than the thought of taking your own life. If I tried pills I probably would have thrown up or passed out before taking enough. Jumping from height is impossible, I suffer from vertigo which would be too much to contend with. I don't have access to a gun and frankly that's bit messy anyway. Likewise with cutting my wrists, and to be honest I am the kind of person who would regret it immediately. If I failed I would have nasty wounds, unknown pain and a lot of mess to clean up. I don't mean to trivialise suicide. This is just my way of describing my thoughts.

I hate the thought of hurting other people and I know that if I were to do it, even if it was done out of the way, there would still be somebody who found me that would be affected. As well a the emergency services. Even though it is something they deal with regularly that can't make it easy. Friends and family would also be affected, probably more so. I cant imagine the thought of loosing a friend or family member to suicide. The guilt that must come with it. The thoughts of "how could I have stopped this" "If only I had paid more attention".

I have always been aware of resources like the Samaritans and they offer indispensable help to people in crisis. I am also painfully aware of how difficult it can be to reach out when you are feeling that way. At the time when Health in Mind were concerned about my state of mind I was having weekly calls. I woke up one morning in a particularly bad way, I was due a call around lunch time and I simply couldn't face it. I sent a text message to my contact to let her know. She came back pretty quickly thanking me for letting her know and asking if we could just talk for a couple of minutes so she knew I was safe. I couldn't face it, I ignored the message. A little while later she tried calling. I ignored it. Then another call, this time from the main office. I ignored it. They left a message expressing concern and asking me to get back to them. I ignored it. Another call from the office. Another message.I ignored it.

It wasn't until all of this had happened that I was able to pull myself together and let them know I was safe. These people were trying to help and I was just sat around feeling sorry for myself. I sent a text message to my contact to let her know I was OK. I received a relieved thank you. The next day I sent another message to provide some more context and apologise again.

If I think back to how I was I have come a long way. I also still have a long way to go. One day at a time!

Never forget that there is always help available. Life is worth living even if it sometimes feels impossible.

Suicide is never an option, it can get better. Check out the links below.

NHS - Help for suicidal thoughts - https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/suicide/

Samaritans - https://www.samaritans.org/

Papyrus - Help for under 35's - https://papyrus-uk.org/

Worldwide - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_suicide_crisis_lines

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As a side note:

My music has been a help to me over the last 10 months or so and I think it offers an interesting look at my mood. I wrote a song called Eventually back in November 2019. Before the shit show that has been 2020. In the lyrics it shows I was clearly feeling low but still felt some worth. Quite a few songs that came after this have been much darker but a song I wrote recently that has yet to be released has come back up to a level of having some hope.

Eventually - Music, Melody and Lyrics by Daniel Stephen Turner, 2019

These days i'm a very unhappy man But there's still a glimmer of hope

A flame that burns inside of me

I know it wont be easy

But I will find my purpose....eventually

Like Dallas i'm a sorrowing man. Searching for a reason. A city, a colour, a choir of angels, watching over me.

For anyone who is unsure, Dallas refers to Dallas Green of Alexisonfire and City and Colour. Sorrowing Man is one of his songs and the choir of angels refers to his voice.

I still like this song and I hope others can take something from it.

I really should do a better recording of this at some point...