What a year it has been! (It’s a cliché, but it works)
Christmas was fun but I still felt somewhat removed from the whole thing. This time last year I was in a dark place. This year I’m somewhere around dusk.
I have spent a lot of time reflecting on the year and I’m actually amazed at what I have accomplished. This time last year I had written a few songs but I was nowhere near playing live. I hadn’t even come up with the idea of starting a blog and I didn’t know what Time to Change was.
As it stands I have written around 15 or 16 songs with many others in the works. Had my music played on the BBC. Released an EP. Played an acoustic showcase at CODA as well as the open mic a number of times. Made new friends. Become a Time to Change champion (helping to break the stigma around mental health) and started this blog, among other things!
I still feel like a fraud but the positive things people have said about my music and writing is starting to make me think that perhaps I am not such a loser after all.
It’s been a lonely year for everyone and I have definitely felt this, living alone has been tough. I suppose I should be thankful that I didn’t have someone there driving me nuts though! Haha. I have tried putting myself out there in the dating world and failed miserably. Probably for the best to be honest. If I can’t love myself how can I be expected to love someone else?
At the start of 2020 I had told myself it would be my year. Oh how wrong I was! I have spent an inordinate amount of time severely depressed, simply surviving. This has been compounded by COVID-19 and the lockdown. But quite frankly, I'm sick of talking about that!
I have tried a number of medications this year, nothing really seems to have had much of an impact. I recently switched again so I am in a transitional period and I cant say I feel much different than I did.
I know that the majority of the improvement in my mood is going to come from me, its really bloody hard though! I have been learning a lot from the High Intensity CBT I have been going through for the last few weeks and I feel ever so slightly hopeful. I am starting to be less hard on myself, and it helps. I have always beaten myself up when I am in a low mood and getting nothing done. Telling myself that I am a waste of space etc. I know that I am sick but for some reason I don't quite believe it at times.
This time next year I will be incredibly disappointed if I look back and find that I am still in the same place. I am determined to get out of this rut and actually start living my life. 2021 will be my year!
Now.... if you excuse me, I need to go and lie down 😂😅
Links related to points mentioned above:
Time to Change: https://www.time-to-change.org.uk/
My song and interview on the BBC: https://soundcloud.com/danielsturner/bbc-upload-interview
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