Today I received some good news. I have finally got an appointment for my first session of high intensity CBT after waiting for about three months. This is further to CBT that I finished at the end of last year and is something I definitely need.
I should be happy, right? Well yes - and I was for a while. Then anxiety got in the way.
I need to do some shopping. A simple task you might think. Make a list, pop to Aldi, get home and pack away. Done. If only it was that simple. On a loop like that annoying radio earworm, I've spent more time today thinking about it than it would have taken.
What did my brain decide to do about this instead of giving me a kick up the arse to get out and do it? Depression!! Yep, that's right. Avoid it and hope it will go away! I found myself laying on the sofa feeling incredibly low and weeping periodically. The worst part is how much it saps your energy. I felt like a brick.
An internal struggle begins. Part of me is banging on the walls of my head desperately wanting to get out. The other half wouldn't be out of place in a Cheech and Chong movie. Unfortunately that is not as fun as it sounds! All the malaise of a high without the pleasure (or munchies).
In the past, if Id let it, the malaise would win and that would be it for many hours. This time I managed to get out of it much quicker. I wish I could say that I have now gone and done the shopping and all is peachy. Sadly that is not the case, but...I did find a way to get past this.
I made a deal with myself, the shopping can wait until the morning as I have enough of what I need to last the evening. In order to allow myself to leave this until the morning I had to tell myself that I will do three things. Clean the bathroom, have a shower and do some writing.
This post will form part of the writing, giving me some much needed mental focus. The shower will help me feel slightly better physically and cleaning the bathroom will stop me worrying about the fact that its a bit overdue.
It seems that my brain was happy to accept these terms and I started to come around. This post is a little hasty and may contain mistakes but I hope it at least makes sense!
I have learnt a huge amount about myself over the last few months and everyday I feel more like myself and happy in my skin. I get these blips but it is clear to me that I am starting to learn how to deal with them. I accept that the path I took this time is not perfect but it works in this case and that is important in itself.
One of these days I will be able to look back on these posts and realise just how much I have grown and that itself is a wonderful feeling and enough to keep me writing about my experiences.
I've said it before and I will say it again. If this blog can help just one person other than myself I will be extremely happy.
Take care of yourself.
Much love
Dan