Yesterday I had my first session in a second round of high intensity CBT.
Last time we ended up focusing on low self esteem. It became clear pretty quickly that I really didn't like myself. Its strange to admit that I hadn't really realised that beforehand. I knew that I didn't hold myself in high regard but I just kind of felt that was normal. Telling myself that I didn't want to be arrogant.
Of course I have come to realise that you can love yourself without being self-absorbed. It's not only possible, it is essential. I still struggle with this but I am 1000% better than I was. To give you an idea of where I was, I struggled to even refer to myself as a musician not so long ago, without feeling like a fraud and if I referred to myself as a singer-songwriter, in my mind I was being entirely disingenuous. I now wear both as a badge of honour.
Given how effective the last lot of sessions were at building my self esteem the therapist this time has decided we should focus on GAD (Generalised Anxiety Disorder). From what she has told me and the information she has since shared this fits me to a T.
I worry a lot. I worry that I worry too much.
We also discussed, Safety Behaviours. Here is an except from a document shared with me,.
'Safety behaviours, as the name implies, are tactics you embrace in order – you believe – to keep you safe from threat or harm. For example, someone who fears having a panic attack in the supermarket simply never shops in one. Someone who fears being found dull and uninteresting never accepts social invitations. If you think you might fail at something, then don’t even try it. These seem like obvious, natural solutions to your fears and worries – and, what is more, they seem to work. However, on the down side, they cause your worries to stay with you as you never give yourself the opportunity to discover that the perceived threat was either invalid or manageable.
Milne, Aileen. Problem Solving Cognitive Behavioural Therapy: Flash (p. 77). Hodder & Stoughton. Kindle Edition.'
I think this will be something very interesting to explore and see just how deeply entrench this is into my sub-conscious. It appears we will be looking at creating cognitive strategies to overcome this.
The key thing I need to do now is keep open minded and try to take in as much as I can from these sessions. I am hopeful that we work we will do together will help me to become a better version of myself!
For the first time in a long time life is starting to feel worthwhile I am so happy about that! If you aren't at that point yet just know it is possible. I am also aware that I am going to have my downs still but I am gradually becoming more equipped to deal with them.
Take care of yourselves.
Much love
Dan