Today is my birthday. On one hand I don't really care. On the other I hate it.
I don't have any respect for myself so it doesn't feel like a milestone. Just a reminder that I'm slightly closer to death.
I had the joy of a CBT session this morning and the big point of discussion was around my general dislike of myself. I constantly feel like a loser, a waste of space, etc. If its negative and you can think of it I have probably thought it about myself. I don't know why but I hold myself to a much higher level than I hold everyone else to. So high in fact that I couldn't reasonably be expected to hit it. All I'm really doing is making myself suffer.
I just pulled into the Sainsbury's car park and have started writing this on my phone. I have spent the whole afternoon trapped in my own head being indecisive about what I want to do, ultimately deciding that the only thing I can really bring myself to do is to buy lots of sweets (perhaps some sort of cake as well) to "Celebrate" my birthday.
I have other plans coming up later in the week that while not directly related to my birthday will be my way of celebrating but I just can't help feeling sorry for myself today.
In actual fact though I should probably be happy about the conversation I had today in CBT. The more I can recognise the self sabotage my brain is carrying out the more chance I have of defeating it. My creative outputs do a huge amount to help this (just the act of writing this blog post is making me feel slightly better) and I need to carry on as much as possible to stand a chance of overcoming this.
One thing I am excited about is releasing a full band version of Lust and Intrigue. I recorded this recently with Liam from LH Audio and it sounds great! I'm in a weird head space about it as I almost don't believe that I created it. I plan to put this out early next year, no solid date yet but I will update when I have a better idea.
Bit of a random and rushed post today, a little bit disjointed but then that's how I'm feeling. But anyway, Happy Birthday to me I guess!
Now I'm going to head into the shop, buy my body weight in sweet treats and then go home and post this.
Take care X
Dan
(The image is from the video game Portal)