2020 so far (Part 2)

This is part of an ongoing series related to my breakdown at Christmas and exploring 2020 so far. If you haven't already please read this post first: https://danielsturner.wixsite.com/blog/post/my-christmas-breakdown-and-the-start-of-2020-part-1-of-a-series-exploring-the-year-so-far

Over the coming months I tried to focus on getting better and sorting out things that had been causing anxiety, including taking the decision to wrap up the business. I had help from the charity 'Mind' during this time and I am eternally grateful for that. I don't think I would have coped on my own. The majority of this happened in February. By March I was starting to feel slightly on the up. I met with a careers advisor as a way to start making some progress ready for when I would start to look for a job. We got my CV updated and I worked through a test that helps to identify the types of jobs you may be suited to. The results suggested various roles in creative fields which lines up with the kind of thing I would want to do. The idea was that I would stay in contact with the careers advisor and when ready we would look to find me a part time job and work my way up to getting back into a full time job.

We also discussed things to build up my confidence, I had been lacking human interaction. Partially because of my anxieties but also working for myself and being at home the majority of the time didn't help.

I signed up for a creative writing course run by ACL Essex. This was a couple of hours a week at the campus in Witham. Ultimately it got moved online. I had also been writing a lot of songs and was keen to get out and play them so we looked into open mic nights and after quite a lot of anxiety I was able to take myself down to CODA in Colchester on Sunday the 15th of March, I played 4 songs and it was one of the best experiences I have had in recent years. The plan had been to attend the open mic on a regular basis to help build my confidence and for social interaction. As it turned out we were forced into lockdown on the 23rd on March and venues have been closed ever since.

I have not done well in lock down. I spent quite a lot of time feeling angry and frustrated. I had just started to feel like I was getting back on track and then all of a sudden it was taken away from me. I'd had a taste of something I wanted to do for a long time and I wanted more.

Initially I tried to stay positive and creative, for a time I was posting regularly to my YouTube and music Instagram and managed to put out a fair bit. I started to get inside my head too much and put a lot of pressure on myself. Eventually burnt out, felt exhausted most of the time and ended up spending the best part of a month doing very little other than the bare necessities.

As the lock down progressed I started to get a bit more productive. Starting my creative writing course probably helped this. It was done online through the ACL website, there were quite a few technical problems but overall it was very enjoyable and I learnt a lot. I missed one lesson due to my anxiety getting the better of me but that's not bad out of 10. I created a number of short pieces during this time and also started on a larger story based around the Colchester Arts Centre, its history and a current employee. This is up to around 5500 words so far, I really should get back to it!

To be continued....

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Some great news came out a couple of days ago. CODA will be re-opening its doors on Wednesday 16th Sep! The open mic will be running every Sunday which is amazing. Ill be honest my anxiety around this is very high. I hope I can get past this.

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Much love X

Dan